5 Mistakes When Healing from Betrayal
I have talked with many women who have tried to get past the initial phase of healing from a betrayal breakup who sought relief from therapists and counselors to only find themselves still confused and hurting after many hours spent and hundreds or thousands of dollars later.
I understand that finding a quick fix NOW is what we all want but when dealing with our broken hearts it is a slow and sometimes arduous process.
AND, being betrayed and deceived is a very different form of hurt than other relationship breakups, and that I learned the hard way.
I have realized that there are 5 huge mistakes that most of us make when our relationships shatter into a million pieces as we try to pick them up and put everything back together again. You may identify with on or all of them, but after reading through these mistakes I believe you will be less likely to make them again.
There HAS to be something I missed! When we are betrayed and deceived, we want to know why. We take it personally and think that we did something wrong. We internalize it and start to scour the last several years or months of our relationship to find that one thing we did or said that made him decide to find someone else. We look incessantly for clues that can shed any light on where we went wrong. We become amateur detectives in search of the ultimate truth that will never be found.
The history of our relationship does offer some redeeming qualities that can help with our healing process but at the beginning of our journey for clarity, we are not looking for those kind of clues. The real truth is no matter how hard you dig into the deep recesses of your past you are not going to find an incident, anything you said, or any thought you had that would have contributed to his behavior. His decisions to do what he did are not based on you, they are his and his alone.
When we are deceived and betrayed, we feel ashamed. We can’t believe we didn’t see it coming. Even though we know we need support getting through this process we don’t tell anyone, even our family and closest friends. They all really liked him and loved you and him together. We remember watching a few friends go through the type of breakup and felt so sorry for them because you did not know what to do to help. You don’t want anyone feeling sorry for you.
Your initial feeling of embarrassment is legitimate but unfounded when you carry it out for weeks and months. The mistake we too often make is to hide what has transpired until you have it all together when you do decide to tell someone. But this can take forever, and your emotions and body language will eventually give you away. This feeling, when understood, will subside and you can turn your embarrassment into assurance. I know because I did just that!
I can’t believe he did that to me! When we are betrayed, we may immediately feel such anger toward our loved one that we can’t see straight. This kind of reaction is normal but the way you decide to direct that anger may not. You may want to act out your anger in ways that you may regret later. You may have thoughts that you would never have had before because this kind of attack on your emotions is so volatile.
Anger is never a good emotion, but sometimes it’s necessary to understand the root cause of something. The irony of betrayal is that during the aftermath of the initial shock, you sometimes end up betraying yourself. (That is another section detailed within my Restoration Roadmap) Anger may feel like you are showing strength, but in reality, it shows how much you need to humble yourself to the process of healing.
This is where anger can get you into real trouble. This is a stage within the anger spectrum that never helps, and always leads to more unhealthy behavior. Protectionism is what invites retaliation. Your sense of security has been threatened so you go into hyper protection mode and do something that does not even resemble who you really are. You will be setting yourself up for questions from family and friends and you can never take back what you have done. Taking revenge on your spouse sounds like it would feel good to you, and at first it may, but you will regret it, most people do.
You are probably thinking I am off my rocker with this one. I know that seeking professional help when going through tough emotional times is highly suggested, yet there are things to consider when and if and with whom you should take that step.
Always take these things into consideration when making a decision to step into professional therapy. There is an alternative that will take you from right where you are in your healing process to give you tools to evaluate your current state of emotion and align your continued healing with goals for your future. There is a cost-effective process that has a built-in support system that is designed to hold you accountable to your goals. Also, there is a personal growth coach who has been where you are. I have the experience of being deceived and betrayed, I am a psychologist, and eager to share my story with you and the provide comfort and care you deserve.
You can take the quiz below and get a better understanding of where you are in the healing process and go on to find where you have made some of your biggest mistakes and take steps to correct some of them.
You can schedule a free consultation session with me in the link below. https://Unbreakyourlife.as.me/?appointmentType=7636088